As I wrote the post title all I could think of was the line in "Runaway Bride"... "They love you, they hate you, they're hot, they're cold, they're high, they're up, they're down." That description pretty much sums up my cycles of life...probably yours too. Of course the 'they' that they were referring to was women, but it still works here, in my mind at least... seeing as how I am a woman. Why shouldn't it apply to my emotions as well?
Yesterday was not a stellar day for me. I was upset, and I wasn't really sure what I was upset about, but I sure was. My life is not perfect. I am not always happily going about my day - serving others, doing good, being nice, studying the gospel, bettering myself, cooking amazing meals, always eating healthy, exercising daily, etc., etc., etc. Actually, my days are filled with running errands, fitting in a session on my recumbent bike here and there, trying to eat right (often failing), talking with my daughter (sometimes other children), making sure my visiting teaching is completed (and my calling is up to date), taking care of our home (cooking, cleaning, organizing, budgeting, doing laundry, etc.), taking care of my mom's needs, sometimes reading or watching a little TV, and spending some time on the computer (blogging, paying bills, checking emails, etc). Seems like there are a whole lot of "etc's" in my life!
Having a horrible, awful day, yesterday I decided that I need to figure some things out. Here is the thing: I am generally a happy, positive person. I am so very grateful for my husband, our family, for the gospel in my life. That all means the world to me - I can't even begin to tell you how important they are in my life, or what deep happiness they bring to my life. I recognize the great blessings that I have, I really do.
But there has been something missing.
I've known that for quite some time now. I've had discussions with Pat about it, and he is always quick to point out how much I do for our family, for others, and what a wonderful person I am. (his words, not mine)
Here is the problem... I don't believe it. I don't believe that I am amazing or wonderful. When I was serving in the Stake RS Presidency I felt inadequate ALL the time. Why? Because I was, and am.
This is so not easy to admit, and I'm not asking for pity or attention, or anything of that sort. I am just sharing, like I always do on here, to anyone out there who happens to be 'listening'.
What I have come to understand is that I need to care for myself as much as I care for others. I wouldn't be hard on Pat or our children if they came to me telling me how inadequate they feel, or even to another person. I get that we are on our own journey here on earth, with our very own set of challenges that we face, sometimes even demons that we face. My challenge is me. Fun, right? Not so much. But, I don't think I am alone in this, though I certainly feel like I am right now.
What is the solution? I'm not sure. So, tomorrow I am fasting to help me figure it out. Once I figure it out I will probably share it on here. I've even considered (again) stopping blogging, but I think it is good for me to feel connected with whomever reads this, thus allowing me to share what I am grateful for on my journey.
Getting to the root of the 'problem' is important, so that is what I am going to do. How can I expect to be who I am meant to be if I can't even get past myself? (sounds strange, but I understand what I mean) I know that I am a good-hearted, caring person. I simply need to apply that to me, so that is what I am going to be working on. I know that I need to feel like I can do more than contribute to everyone else's happiness; that I need to feel like I can be successful at something. I am working on it, and I will find it, whatever 'it' is.